I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
All I can see in the pic you sent is white shorts...
Thas my pasnts in colleg! Tehy glow! AND SMELL LIKE BEER!
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
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