When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
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