Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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