Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
You dont lie about slip and slides
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Randomize
