Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I could fuck to npr.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
