the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
