There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
