Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
