I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
Randomize
