im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
There's a naked man in my car right now.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
