Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize