Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
