All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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