everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Randomize
