Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize