Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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