Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Randomize
