My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
