...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
