I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
that is very illegal...i love you.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
