I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize