as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
