I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
you mean i was at the winter classic?
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
