just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
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