Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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