Umm I'm too high to move.
well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
