My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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