4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
