I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
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