I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
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