Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Don't EVER smell your tampon
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
Dicks are not precious.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Randomize
