I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
