My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize