I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
