Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Randomize
