she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
