Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Randomize