They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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