Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Randomize
