Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize
