i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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