Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
