I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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