Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
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