my text book just quoted the cookie monster
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
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