the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
