Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Randomize
