The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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