Ask Niel how long his lasts if he plays with it a lot.
he says 15-20 minutes depending on the porn.
no his phone, idiot.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
Randomize
