God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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