Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I made him laugh his dick is mine
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
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