On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
Woo Hoo! Just saw Asian kids with rocker mullets. Tried to get a picture on my phone, but you know how those ninjas are.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
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