So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Randomize
