Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Randomize
