If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
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