From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Randomize