The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
