A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
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